“Nothing matters. Nothing ever will; or at least nothing that we value. Humanity is the most insignificant of creatures in the universe. We want to be free within the safety of our cocoon. This is the true human condition.”
These thoughts often entered my head at a young age from a place unknown as I went to sleep. I viewed them, observed them, threw them around, played with them, humoured them and finally dismissed them for the next random idea to enter my skull. With these thoughts I went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning had a shower, some breakfast and walked to the bus. It’s one long bus ride to school and it’s where I get some of my best thoughts. That day I was thinking about what would happen if my father randomly died, or somebody close, without reason and how I would deal with each situation and its potential ramifications.
I got off the bus and went to the stage, an open air amphitheatre where me and my mates used to chill. I looked around searching for my friend Jacob. I went up to Jarred and said “Sup bro?”
“You OK? Wasup?
“Dude, where’s Jacob? He was way too vague yesterday. I think he might have picked up yesterday and smoked it.”
“Nah I was talking to him and he said he was quitting.” said Jarred “Just leave it he’ll be fine, forget about it, anyway schools on and we need to head up.”
I went round to Jacob’s house at lunch as it’s a short walk from the school and knocked on the door. Tried the knob and it was unlocked, typical Jacob. As I walked in I shouted through the house “Oi, Jacob!”, as I made my way to his room. I was getting more and more worried “Don’t play with me, that’s not OK” I moved through the house looking for him until the only room left was Jacob’s own. I opened the door and then…
I didn’t react in a way typical of those whose see such things. I just looked up at my mate hanging from the ceiling and thought “Well, shit” I was emotionally paralysed; nothing seemed real anymore. Better call an ambulance I thought. The ambulance said that they’d get there asap. That was the easy call. Next was Jacob’s mum Jennie. This was going to be hard. I dialled her number, she picked up after a few rings and said warmly “Hey Gary dear what’s going on?”
“Jacob’s hung himself” I said without any feeling. Completely numb. “WHAT!?!?!” she said now in full blown hysterics “NO! THIS ISNT HAPPENING! YOU’RE…..” after this point it just became incomprehensible. After a small pause I heard in a much smaller voice “Please it isn’t true. Just tell me that my boy is alive.” She said this so quietly that I would have been shocked by the rapid change of emotion had it not been for my state of mind. The ambulance had arrived and I had to end the call. I showed them into bedroom and showed them Jacob’s body, lifeless, on the bed.
Just as they were packing Jacob away into the ambulance truck Jennie came flying up the road and braked hard, skidding along the road. I was expecting her to leap out and cry that her baby boy couldn’t be dead but she just sat there motionless and waited till the ambulance drove off then came over to me and cried for what seemed like forever. I told her I had to go school. I checked the time. I’d missed 5th, oh well better go to last class even though I was late already.
As I walked in my teacher asked where I’d been and why was so late. I told her that I didn’t care and that she needed to be quiet. She started ranting at me but I told her that I didn’t care again. I thought “So this is what the nothingness is like. A total lack of connection with society where you care nothing and no one, not even yourself.” Looking back on it now I can still think of nothing quite like it. Everything was worth less, no, worthless. The lesson ended and I went home with my mind completely blank. For the first time in my life my mind was silent. I didn’t ponder the universe on my way home I merely stared at nothing on the bus, went home and went to bed. I woke the next morning and with no life in me I went about the daily routine morning, wake up, school, home. Nothing was as before. I didn’t care for anything anymore, especially people, who just seemed to irritate me.
This went on, just being a shell, a silhouette of real human life. At the time I thought I was just feeling the aftereffects but really it was quite the opposite. I was actively avoiding the problem and it wasn’t until I realised this and confronted myself that my life picked back up. It was hard to do. I had to dig deep within myself to really battle with accepting that fact that my best mate was dead and I had to live on without him. Things got worse for me at this point I spent so much time trying to wrestle my subconscious into accepting the fact that Jacob was gone and not coming back that my grades dropped, friends drifted away; even mum and dad were giving up on me until one day it clicked. I felt as though I could move on. Not forget, but move on. Somehow, I had improved a situation that had initially seemed difficult to deal with. I picked by life back up slowly, starting with reacquainting myself with my former friends and pulling myself back up to a B average.
I ended up starting an organisation for teenagers to chill and relax away from home and they can talk to me or the other people who work with me if they have any problems. I work so no-one ends up suspended in nothing.
Im planning on making this more serious piece and any thoughts would be nice :)
- skiggin posted this